Noodle News!

Here I am, first real thingy. The task of moving non-existent furniture into my less-then-real office is finished so now it's time to get some work done. Ok. Lets see here 'what colour is my computer?'. That's it? All the mysteries of the cosmos that I could make up and that's all you ask? If it's not semi-transparent tartan pink I'm gonna be really disappointed. Next question!

Ahh, Red Mage rip off sent you have. 'Legolas Vs Pfc. Todd Blackburn in a fight to the death. Who would win?', a Bloom fan for sure. Legolas can take down an oliphant solo so he gets no help from the fellowship here but Blackburn isn't really an 'important enough to even bother remembering his name character' so I'm gonna give him his squad and a Black Hawk to back him up. Lets see what they've got going for them Legolas is an elf and so is immortal unless killed in battle. Potentially he can retreat and let Blackburn die of old age but no matter how much he ponces about over the top of snow he's never gonna convince me that he can outrun a helicopter so scratch that one. Both specialize in ranged weapons, bow for one and the standard issue big gun for the other. Of course, with them both being good guys the law of inverse accuracy kicks in and any arrows or bullets will commonly come infinitely close to hitting them but still miss (think Zeno). Of course, I'm not saying that the sexy elf will miss any of Todd's mates. Gotta keep that blood flowing. As for battleground, I'd give the choice to Blackburn as that helicopter certainly has a initiative bonus. Legolas isn't the strategy one of the fellowship as he's most likely to busy shampooing his hair whilst Aragorn makes all the bad decisions. 'I know. We'll go straight to the place that Sauron will surely surprise attack next. I know that the odds are against us but I'm sure that us three together can sway the outcome of the battle. Just like Lu Bu.' Yeah, nice thinking there curly mop and stubble. Scoreboard for Amon Hen: Fellowship -- 1459 Uruk-Hai -- 1. Where was I? Oh yes, Blackburn's most likely trained for urban warfare so my gut says he'll pick an innocent arab town to shoot the crap out of. Legolas will have to keep a distance as the dust kicked up by Todd's chopper will mean that he'll have to re apply his makeup. I think one of Blackburn's teammates will take a pot shot arrow that was aimed at him so he takes it upon himself to surround the elf using squad tactics, who is no doubt hiding out of the wind by now. This is Todd Blackburn's fatal error as he is far to prone to falling out of helicopters. Schoolboy error. Legolas wins

'Why isn't my duck growing? I put him in fertilizer twice a day and all it does is make a mess.' Well, good question. Why does he make a mess? I say that the fertilizer is uncomfortable for the duck. Now, your average duck should love fertilizer but if so inclined he will leave to go play pool somewhere when you think he is hiding in the pile of muck. Try communicating with the duck, ask him if anything upsets him and if there's anything you can do about it. Common causes can be a lack of the colour green in the vicinity, the wrong shaped clouds, over-excitement, Pixies or even zombies infesting the fertilizer. Rotten dirt is bed and breakfast to your average zombie. To solve this particular problem first cleanse the fertilizer, this can be done with the nearest zombie dispatcher at hand, shotgun for preference but a pitchfork will do. After the pile has been satisfactorily cleaned go out and buy another one because no one likes sitting in dead (deader?) zombies. 'Ah ha' you may say. 'If I buy another pile why would I need to pacify the first one?'. The answer is of course obvious: To stop the zombies migrating. If the duck continues to stay the same size consider the very real possibility that the duck is dead

That's all I have time for. About the mention of games. I lied. I will get round to if but I just didn't feel like it